Reality can never miss anything,
and can never gain anything,
It is ever perfect, ever complete.
All the confusion appears in it,
and in it appears all the clarity.
But both are illusory,
appearing in the mirror of intellect.
How can there be confusion for it, where can anything be lost.
Which is the direction which does not belong to it,
and where is it that it will not be,
all the directions belong to it,
and it is everywhere.
That which exists can never cease to exist, and that which can be
lost, never existed.
Only it is responsible for everything, everything belongs to it.
The waves may have illusion of control, and in the same illusion of
separation they wither away.
Rarely a wave surrenders to the ocean, and in a moment bottom of the
sea and the sky overhead become one.
By giving up choices and preferences,
by not taking sides and being one with it,
One looks with bewilderment and ask,
how does it moves from moment to moment,
who knows,
and to such an innocent one, reality embraces and nurtures.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Confusion and Lao Tse
"The multitude of men look satisfied and pleased; as if enjoying a
full banquet, as if mounted on a tower in spring. I alone seem
listless and still, my desires having as yet given no indication of
their presence. I am like an infant which has not yet smiled. I look
dejected and forlorn, as if I had no home to go to. The multitude of
men all have enough and to spare. I alone seem to have lost
everything. My mind is that of a stupid man; I am in a state of
chaos.
Ordinary men look bright and intelligent, while I alone seem to be
benighted. They look full of discrimination, while I alone am dull
and confused. I seem to be carried about as on the sea, drifting as
if I had nowhere to rest. All men have their spheres of action, while
I alone seem dull and incapable, like a rude borderer. (Thus) I alone
am different from other men, but I value the nursing-mother (the Tao)."
Lao Tse
With great sense of love and affection I am writing these lines. And it is just because you will rarely find some one who has felt the similar confusion and 'sense' of being lost, I am just sharing my experience. I was also confused and it would be not be entirely accurate to say that now I am not confused. I have not resolved my confusion, but I have watched its colours very closely and discovered so many things about it, that now if I have come to respect it.
Most of us live in borrowed certainities about the life. We have a pattern established by social conditioning, which goes on. All our certainities are borrowed. All our values are borrowed beliefs and so are our cultural tastes. I do not blame society, this type of imprinting is very obvious in all the animals, and it has to do something with the way brain matures. In most cases, imprinting is strong enough and the illsion of certainities remain intact through out the life. You can see people all around you, and around everywhere. They are the people whom Lao Tse has described as the "the multitude of men look satisfied and pleased". See the terms 'satisfied' and 'pleased' have been qualified by the word 'look'. It doesn't mean that they are satisfied and pleased, because if they were, the world would have been a radically different place and there would be no wars and so on.
That certainity is 'pseudocertanity', and when it is broken once it can never be replaced at all, do whatever. And what I found within myself that sense of loss of certainity was what I was recognizing as confusion. With that certainity, there was always an objective, and its lack was confusion. So what I was calling confusion was infact looking for some certainity, intense craving for it. For I had never lived without that certainity since I was conscious of myself.
And once you know the deadly nature of certainities, within oneself and the widespread impact of such certainities on the world, you can never go back to them and live the way you lived. I was so full of despair at so many times, there is tremendous sense of isolation, loneliness. Once you realize the futulity of all that humans take pride in and you can not relate to anything, nothing of human culture appeals you (at least you have some hopes from music), life is hell. Sometimes I felt even suicide bombers are at peace with themselves, and people can understand them, their motives, relate to them but not me.
But as I kept on watching, and once I realize that this confusion is born out of 'missing' certainities I was used to, and I realized for myself that there is no reason to be certain of anything; all certainities are concepts, all certainities are borrowed from others, then this confusion must be something much more fudamental to me. As I lived with this confusion and I doubted whatever certainity I was about to grasp, I found out that it is certainity which will go and confusion will persist. As I kept my self awake, and as I found that certainity was only needed if I have to formulate some concept of what I should do with life, and how I should behave. For example, how I should plan for my career or I should become a writer or an enterpreneur; whatever I should plan should have some basis of certainity about myself and the model of world. And to my utter utter surprise I found that living in certainity is much more painful then the confusion. For confusion is already there, effortlessly, and the certainity would have to be constantly reinforced and requires lot of effort.
And so all the mental modeling of the world and how I should live in future starts disintegrating I was at peace. Once I see the certainity as a self imposed and self perpetuating illusion, I saw how it chained me to it by the mechanism of reward and punishment. and with it the ambition, desire to do something important, to be financially secure, to be respectable in other's eyes.
And as certainity kept receding, confusion was reduced only to a concern of living. I found what an extraordinary thing life is, and when I say life, it is not just pulsating, reproducing entity but the whole existence too, for they are inseparable. And in it's all extraordinariess too, it does not demand anything but just some food, comfotable shelter. And our certainities have promised it heaven and not only denied that, but have worked actively to destroy that. And I found for myself it takes so little for me personally to give it that, that to deny it that is tremendous arrogance. For years I lived in realm of ambitions, both of this world and of the heaven, but they all were guided by craving to be certain, and not to be confused.
I was deeply reluctant to join postdoc. I asked myself why? I felt if there are people who are striving 12 hours a day in hot summer, and can afford only one time meals for the family, why I can not do my version of what you are calling "cloning bacteria and expressing protein". Still no argument will pursuade me. Meanwhile the work came to me by itself. I was deeply reluctant and it was nauseating to me to go for work. But there was man who told me "If you still have your preferences and choices, my friend, your confusion is not total".
I took it up. It was also a period of great discovery. I found that it is not the work I hate. There are people working in Sun, my work is like a walk on the beach compared to them. But it was waht associated with the work- ambition, competitiveness, ruthlessness, constantly proving oneself, going ahead in the rat race, exreme desire not to be perceived as incomptent and dumb, was what I incapable of and therefore afraid of. Right from the time I started working, these things were so much assicated with the work that everytime I thought of work, I have overwhelming conditioned responses to these associations. I had seen how people at workplace would ridicule in gossips those who were less comptent, who were not successful, how dumb others are, and strong desire not to be perceived as the 'losers' was what creating fear. And I saw how those old certainities about my evaluations of circumstances were still operating.
Without them work was easy. And I found it interesting to experiment, whether one can work without them. Without caring for results, without caring for publication, without being ambitious, with readiness to be perceived as failures. I knew some people in science who would say that 'we do not care for papers, recognition, rat race or ambition all we want to do is good science'. And I asked myself, can I say all that and add to it that I do not care even if I am doing good science; and still do whatever comes up. Let those who are responsible for paying me decide whether to pay me or not. If they decide later, I will wait for something else. I saw a great burden lifted from me.
Now I work without any end in sight, just when and how it comes. And it comes surprisingly.
And I discovered workplace as a fertile soil where are all these hidden seeds can germinate, and come into light and one can see them. Otherwise they remain hidden and magnify the pain of confusion.
And the confusion, when seen distinct from the pain not having directed drives becomes true bewilderment, a sense of wonder at the world, and the true realization that we do not know a single damn thing. unknown descends. Not only that but we can never know a damn thing. And even that there is no one to know anything.
And in this bewilderment, one sees the mysterious nature of reality in terms of various events occurring everywhere, which comes only when all the values, all the concepts have been thrown out of wind.
full banquet, as if mounted on a tower in spring. I alone seem
listless and still, my desires having as yet given no indication of
their presence. I am like an infant which has not yet smiled. I look
dejected and forlorn, as if I had no home to go to. The multitude of
men all have enough and to spare. I alone seem to have lost
everything. My mind is that of a stupid man; I am in a state of
chaos.
Ordinary men look bright and intelligent, while I alone seem to be
benighted. They look full of discrimination, while I alone am dull
and confused. I seem to be carried about as on the sea, drifting as
if I had nowhere to rest. All men have their spheres of action, while
I alone seem dull and incapable, like a rude borderer. (Thus) I alone
am different from other men, but I value the nursing-mother (the Tao)."
Lao Tse
With great sense of love and affection I am writing these lines. And it is just because you will rarely find some one who has felt the similar confusion and 'sense' of being lost, I am just sharing my experience. I was also confused and it would be not be entirely accurate to say that now I am not confused. I have not resolved my confusion, but I have watched its colours very closely and discovered so many things about it, that now if I have come to respect it.
Most of us live in borrowed certainities about the life. We have a pattern established by social conditioning, which goes on. All our certainities are borrowed. All our values are borrowed beliefs and so are our cultural tastes. I do not blame society, this type of imprinting is very obvious in all the animals, and it has to do something with the way brain matures. In most cases, imprinting is strong enough and the illsion of certainities remain intact through out the life. You can see people all around you, and around everywhere. They are the people whom Lao Tse has described as the "the multitude of men look satisfied and pleased". See the terms 'satisfied' and 'pleased' have been qualified by the word 'look'. It doesn't mean that they are satisfied and pleased, because if they were, the world would have been a radically different place and there would be no wars and so on.
That certainity is 'pseudocertanity', and when it is broken once it can never be replaced at all, do whatever. And what I found within myself that sense of loss of certainity was what I was recognizing as confusion. With that certainity, there was always an objective, and its lack was confusion. So what I was calling confusion was infact looking for some certainity, intense craving for it. For I had never lived without that certainity since I was conscious of myself.
And once you know the deadly nature of certainities, within oneself and the widespread impact of such certainities on the world, you can never go back to them and live the way you lived. I was so full of despair at so many times, there is tremendous sense of isolation, loneliness. Once you realize the futulity of all that humans take pride in and you can not relate to anything, nothing of human culture appeals you (at least you have some hopes from music), life is hell. Sometimes I felt even suicide bombers are at peace with themselves, and people can understand them, their motives, relate to them but not me.
But as I kept on watching, and once I realize that this confusion is born out of 'missing' certainities I was used to, and I realized for myself that there is no reason to be certain of anything; all certainities are concepts, all certainities are borrowed from others, then this confusion must be something much more fudamental to me. As I lived with this confusion and I doubted whatever certainity I was about to grasp, I found out that it is certainity which will go and confusion will persist. As I kept my self awake, and as I found that certainity was only needed if I have to formulate some concept of what I should do with life, and how I should behave. For example, how I should plan for my career or I should become a writer or an enterpreneur; whatever I should plan should have some basis of certainity about myself and the model of world. And to my utter utter surprise I found that living in certainity is much more painful then the confusion. For confusion is already there, effortlessly, and the certainity would have to be constantly reinforced and requires lot of effort.
And so all the mental modeling of the world and how I should live in future starts disintegrating I was at peace. Once I see the certainity as a self imposed and self perpetuating illusion, I saw how it chained me to it by the mechanism of reward and punishment. and with it the ambition, desire to do something important, to be financially secure, to be respectable in other's eyes.
And as certainity kept receding, confusion was reduced only to a concern of living. I found what an extraordinary thing life is, and when I say life, it is not just pulsating, reproducing entity but the whole existence too, for they are inseparable. And in it's all extraordinariess too, it does not demand anything but just some food, comfotable shelter. And our certainities have promised it heaven and not only denied that, but have worked actively to destroy that. And I found for myself it takes so little for me personally to give it that, that to deny it that is tremendous arrogance. For years I lived in realm of ambitions, both of this world and of the heaven, but they all were guided by craving to be certain, and not to be confused.
I was deeply reluctant to join postdoc. I asked myself why? I felt if there are people who are striving 12 hours a day in hot summer, and can afford only one time meals for the family, why I can not do my version of what you are calling "cloning bacteria and expressing protein". Still no argument will pursuade me. Meanwhile the work came to me by itself. I was deeply reluctant and it was nauseating to me to go for work. But there was man who told me "If you still have your preferences and choices, my friend, your confusion is not total".
I took it up. It was also a period of great discovery. I found that it is not the work I hate. There are people working in Sun, my work is like a walk on the beach compared to them. But it was waht associated with the work- ambition, competitiveness, ruthlessness, constantly proving oneself, going ahead in the rat race, exreme desire not to be perceived as incomptent and dumb, was what I incapable of and therefore afraid of. Right from the time I started working, these things were so much assicated with the work that everytime I thought of work, I have overwhelming conditioned responses to these associations. I had seen how people at workplace would ridicule in gossips those who were less comptent, who were not successful, how dumb others are, and strong desire not to be perceived as the 'losers' was what creating fear. And I saw how those old certainities about my evaluations of circumstances were still operating.
Without them work was easy. And I found it interesting to experiment, whether one can work without them. Without caring for results, without caring for publication, without being ambitious, with readiness to be perceived as failures. I knew some people in science who would say that 'we do not care for papers, recognition, rat race or ambition all we want to do is good science'. And I asked myself, can I say all that and add to it that I do not care even if I am doing good science; and still do whatever comes up. Let those who are responsible for paying me decide whether to pay me or not. If they decide later, I will wait for something else. I saw a great burden lifted from me.
Now I work without any end in sight, just when and how it comes. And it comes surprisingly.
And I discovered workplace as a fertile soil where are all these hidden seeds can germinate, and come into light and one can see them. Otherwise they remain hidden and magnify the pain of confusion.
And the confusion, when seen distinct from the pain not having directed drives becomes true bewilderment, a sense of wonder at the world, and the true realization that we do not know a single damn thing. unknown descends. Not only that but we can never know a damn thing. And even that there is no one to know anything.
And in this bewilderment, one sees the mysterious nature of reality in terms of various events occurring everywhere, which comes only when all the values, all the concepts have been thrown out of wind.
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